[[*my 6 cents worth]]

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

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i feel sorry for myself..

for being unable to forget you..

for being so pathetic..

and for still being so concern about you that even a mere mention of your name makes a difference..

i am gonna have to see you again some time soon..

i am not exactly feeling good neither am i feeling short..

a part of me just thought of the awkwardness while a part of me have doubts of whether you would even turn up in the first place..

i feel kind of lost whenever people talk about you..

not to mention, seeing you face to face..

time have passed..

it might have brought away some pain and tears..

but the leftovers were never cleared from my view or heart..

every night i still bear the scars of a painful memory and the thoughts of someone so near yet so far away..

heartbreaking might be an appropriate word to use..

if not, i could not find any other..

am i holding on too much to you or am i just unwilling to move on from you?

someone who was once interested in me seemed to be attached now..

i am happy for him..

and no.....i ain't upset at all..

neither have i once thought about what would have been if i wasn't so persistent in you..

i wasn't even at the least sad for myself.

i was just happy for him.

and even if i did wonder about something..

it was whether this persistence of mine would pay off or would it just depreciate over time..

i have problems holding on cause' every night i think of how far i can go on..

i still walk the same place you once did with me..

i still eat the same food we once had..

i am still the same person who told you that some things are worth working for..

but tiredness is setting in on me.

i fear that i might not have time for you anymore.

i fear that i might be gone even before i reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

i ain't giving you any pressure..

neither am i hoping much..

i used to think that i might have held on so much cause' i had wanted to know the truth of why you left me..

but now..i don't even know what's making me stay.

what used to hurt most was not knowing why you left..

but now, what hurt most is having to see you face to face and yet pretend that nothing had happenened..

i look at the things and people that matters most..

and i would always find you somewhere within my heart.

another 6 cents thoughts at|7/19/2006 05:16:00 PM|

Sunday, July 02, 2006

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2 days back..

just happen that i was doing my stuff when Mark walked past me..

no exchange of words or even a courteous nod..

he just simply walked through the door..

and much as i hate looking at someone's back when they leave..

i actually looked at him leave till he disappear along the path..

what was i thinking man..

he looked not at all friendly and just a simple 'i-am-busy' kind of attitude..

i don't know if it was due to work stress or am i simply thinking too much..

maybe i am not even in the right mind to look at him..

much less think more than that..

and that same day..while i was at the bus stop waiting for the bus..

composed this short poem..this is how it goes..

'is waiting a test towards true love?
or an uncontrollable fall towards more hurt?
when do we know that the wait has to stop?
is it when the hurt becomes intolerable?
or when the Love we have becomes worthless?'

it was supposed to be in Chinese..

but i am having difficulties loading it..

so this is it..

thinking back..

i don't know when will this wait of mine come to a halt..

i tried to be strong..

really strong..

i even prayed to God for the strength to be so..

i make myself happie by pampering myself with small treats now and then..

i make my surrounding nice and cosy so that i'll never get myself reminded of the good times i once had with him..

i tried to be with other people..

get myself involve in more social stuff..

make new friends..

widen my circle of friends..

have more recreational activities like going song-singing and shopping and tours around..

BUT...

at the end of the day..

in every frame of my day..

he's there..

no matter how hard i try and fight..

he has never left me..

i did try to be with another person..

but it did not work out..

i even tried to give my very best at work so that i could be someone he is proud of..

yes..i do work for myself..

but in that part..

i work hard for him too..

to let him see that i am someone he could be proud of..

but i think i have failed terribly..

at the end of the day..

i still do not have what it takes to have him back..

at times..

i hated him so much..

cause' i am simply someone invisible in front of him..

cause' he only talks to me with work-related stuff..

even so..he limits the contact..

he no longer answer my calls..

no longer reply to my SMSes..

i am like a stranger to him..

yet..despite of how he treats me..

i still Love him as much as i first had..

no matter who fell in love with who first..

who left who first..

all i needed was a chance.

but he chose not to.

i chose to stay and wait.

but he chose to leave and remain as that.

i feel terrible.

but i think he feels better this way.

i put all my thoughts in this blog..

with no one knowing it at all.

will i be happier this way?

another 6 cents thoughts at|7/02/2006 10:00:00 PM|