[[*my 6 cents worth]]

Sunday, October 04, 2009

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我对你感觉胜过爱情..

对不起我对你再好再亲密都不能在一起..

another 6 cents thoughts at|10/04/2009 01:25:00 AM|

Sunday, June 21, 2009

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when a love becomes painful..

it's time to let it go..

love does not guarantee eternity or forever..

it only limits itself to memories..

good or bad, it depends on your luck..

i drop by this blog once in a blue moon to blog..

not because i am still holding on to someone who does not belong to me..

but i feel a sense of belonging to this blog..

i started out this blog when i was broken-hearted..i am alright now..but reading the posts once in a while brings back memories and reminds me of how much i should treasure people now..

another 6 cents thoughts at|6/21/2009 04:45:00 PM|

Friday, August 08, 2008

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我好想抱着你诉苦
却显得好无助
无助的让人想痛哭

我只想要和你在一起
朝着幸福走去
像恋人般的简单甜蜜

我只想要和你不分离
怎么轻易放弃
说你忘记
爱情怎么会让每颗心都碎

我不再相信你
却又慢慢想起你

another 6 cents thoughts at|8/08/2008 11:12:00 PM|

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I never had the courage to send any SMSes to him but I finally took the plunge last night, 2 August 08.

It was past 1am when I sent the message I have composed. I wasn’t expecting a reply. Though I was hoping for one. I was hoping that he would call and ask me out for a walk and tell me the so-called truth that I had been wanting to hear these past two years.

But I was in fact betting on the odds that the message would go unnoticed, maybe even unread and straight into the trash bin.

At 2.49am, he replied.

I was half asleep but sober enough to get up to read the words clearly before falling back to bed.

It was in simple English. But it took me some minutes to read every single word he typed and to read the meaning within.

Was he asleep? Was he working? Was he with someone else? Was he in his bed too, thinking of the most appropriate way to reply to a silly girl who once loved him?

What could he be thinking? That I am a desperate woman? That I am a cheap woman? That I am mad to be messaging him like that?

I have no idea what sort of questions I was asking and expecting.

Now, my heart is aching.

I wanted to send a message back but I am not too sure if I should. What purpose would it serve anyway?

Would he be bothered to reply again? I hate people who refused to reply to me. I look upon it as a form of disappointment that I should not be subjected to.

But then again, I was the one who had plucked up the courage to send him a message at the weirdest hour of the night the first time in two years.

I had so wanted to ask if he would come out for a coffee someday. Maybe next week? Maybe even today, if he does not mind.

But would he reject me straight or would he simply pretend not to see it and send the message down the trash bin?

You may be asking why am I subjecting myself to such stupidity act. It isn’t even necessary at the first place. It’s like looking for trouble out of none.

But, I needed to close this chapter. Not with myself but with him. I had thrown away stuff related to him and left those memories I had shared with him two years back.

But, somehow, I needed to end it all with him and not just me telling myself that it’s the end of the story.

I need a proper closure before I move on to a new stage of life where he would never exist anymore. Not as a friend, not as a lover and not as a stranger.

I need to see him and say a proper goodbye. Goodbye to all those days and all those questions and feelings.

I just wanted to share a moment with him.

Is it too much to ask for?

If I do not try, I’ll never know.

But if I do try, I am so scared of what would come. Because I know he would most probably not even be bothered to reply.

心痛当初相遇的心动

another 6 cents thoughts at|8/08/2008 10:57:00 PM|

Saturday, June 28, 2008

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我给你最后的疼爱是把手放开,

我把对你的疑问放上了一个句号.

another 6 cents thoughts at|6/28/2008 08:12:00 PM|

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26 Sept 2006

that's the date of my last post in this secret blog of mine.

it's near to two years since i posted my thoughts.

it's not that i have forgotten this little space of mine. it's just that, i have closed the chapter some time back and did not want to spend any spare time thinking back on the past.

i have a powerpoint presentation of near to 50 slides, containing of my thoughts and notes for Mark. it was a compilation of over a year that i did whenever i thought of him. it contained pictures and things that really mattered then.

and about a year ago, on a fine evening, i decided to put a stop to all and deleted the powerpoint slides.

i had planned to give it to him but decided against it.

there ain't any point, really. what i wanted was love but i did not even know what he wanted. was he even able to give me a kind of love i deserve or wanted?

did it all even mattered to him? that i spent nights crying? and days wondering why, why and why?

in the end, i guess the best way to deal with it was to read it through one last time and delete it permanently from my computer.

i did it and since that day, i had not looked back.

i am glad that i am moving on well in life now.

this blog will not be deleted though. it will act as a reminder for me to treasure love.

now looking through my posts, i am still rather amazed how much i can blog in terms of thoughts.

all along, i had a question in mind for Mark.

i recently found out a way to answer my question. but i''ll rather not pursue it.

i know i'll never get an answer. but it's ok. it would hurt lesser when you know less.

"were you married when you held my hands?"

another 6 cents thoughts at|6/28/2008 07:51:00 PM|

Friday, September 22, 2006

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how do you take back a broken heart and mend it back like it is?

how do you take back time and still be the same person you once were?

how do you move on and still live life as good as it was?

...............

i wish i knew.

another 6 cents thoughts at|9/22/2006 01:22:00 AM|

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

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i feel sorry for myself..

for being unable to forget you..

for being so pathetic..

and for still being so concern about you that even a mere mention of your name makes a difference..

i am gonna have to see you again some time soon..

i am not exactly feeling good neither am i feeling short..

a part of me just thought of the awkwardness while a part of me have doubts of whether you would even turn up in the first place..

i feel kind of lost whenever people talk about you..

not to mention, seeing you face to face..

time have passed..

it might have brought away some pain and tears..

but the leftovers were never cleared from my view or heart..

every night i still bear the scars of a painful memory and the thoughts of someone so near yet so far away..

heartbreaking might be an appropriate word to use..

if not, i could not find any other..

am i holding on too much to you or am i just unwilling to move on from you?

someone who was once interested in me seemed to be attached now..

i am happy for him..

and no.....i ain't upset at all..

neither have i once thought about what would have been if i wasn't so persistent in you..

i wasn't even at the least sad for myself.

i was just happy for him.

and even if i did wonder about something..

it was whether this persistence of mine would pay off or would it just depreciate over time..

i have problems holding on cause' every night i think of how far i can go on..

i still walk the same place you once did with me..

i still eat the same food we once had..

i am still the same person who told you that some things are worth working for..

but tiredness is setting in on me.

i fear that i might not have time for you anymore.

i fear that i might be gone even before i reach the light at the end of the tunnel.

i ain't giving you any pressure..

neither am i hoping much..

i used to think that i might have held on so much cause' i had wanted to know the truth of why you left me..

but now..i don't even know what's making me stay.

what used to hurt most was not knowing why you left..

but now, what hurt most is having to see you face to face and yet pretend that nothing had happenened..

i look at the things and people that matters most..

and i would always find you somewhere within my heart.

another 6 cents thoughts at|7/19/2006 05:16:00 PM|

Sunday, July 02, 2006

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2 days back..

just happen that i was doing my stuff when Mark walked past me..

no exchange of words or even a courteous nod..

he just simply walked through the door..

and much as i hate looking at someone's back when they leave..

i actually looked at him leave till he disappear along the path..

what was i thinking man..

he looked not at all friendly and just a simple 'i-am-busy' kind of attitude..

i don't know if it was due to work stress or am i simply thinking too much..

maybe i am not even in the right mind to look at him..

much less think more than that..

and that same day..while i was at the bus stop waiting for the bus..

composed this short poem..this is how it goes..

'is waiting a test towards true love?
or an uncontrollable fall towards more hurt?
when do we know that the wait has to stop?
is it when the hurt becomes intolerable?
or when the Love we have becomes worthless?'

it was supposed to be in Chinese..

but i am having difficulties loading it..

so this is it..

thinking back..

i don't know when will this wait of mine come to a halt..

i tried to be strong..

really strong..

i even prayed to God for the strength to be so..

i make myself happie by pampering myself with small treats now and then..

i make my surrounding nice and cosy so that i'll never get myself reminded of the good times i once had with him..

i tried to be with other people..

get myself involve in more social stuff..

make new friends..

widen my circle of friends..

have more recreational activities like going song-singing and shopping and tours around..

BUT...

at the end of the day..

in every frame of my day..

he's there..

no matter how hard i try and fight..

he has never left me..

i did try to be with another person..

but it did not work out..

i even tried to give my very best at work so that i could be someone he is proud of..

yes..i do work for myself..

but in that part..

i work hard for him too..

to let him see that i am someone he could be proud of..

but i think i have failed terribly..

at the end of the day..

i still do not have what it takes to have him back..

at times..

i hated him so much..

cause' i am simply someone invisible in front of him..

cause' he only talks to me with work-related stuff..

even so..he limits the contact..

he no longer answer my calls..

no longer reply to my SMSes..

i am like a stranger to him..

yet..despite of how he treats me..

i still Love him as much as i first had..

no matter who fell in love with who first..

who left who first..

all i needed was a chance.

but he chose not to.

i chose to stay and wait.

but he chose to leave and remain as that.

i feel terrible.

but i think he feels better this way.

i put all my thoughts in this blog..

with no one knowing it at all.

will i be happier this way?

another 6 cents thoughts at|7/02/2006 10:00:00 PM|